It reminded me so much of the fear and grief last year in our very own Uganda when over 30 women in Entebbe and Wakiso were “continuously and mysteriously killed”. All these cases had one thing in common: they were perpetuated by patriarchal violence. Amid all this sad news, nearly every day, a missing person case is opened. September was awash with missing cases and femicide. Ankunda Nisha says “When I see these missing person posters, I honestly can’t help but think that the worst has already happened.” This line reflects how so many women, sisters and mothers feel. #AmINext? was a chant taken up by several women worried about leaving every place, telling one another to be safe and call you when they get home safe, knowing at the back of your mind that this is not something that anyone can control, but saying the words either way. A mantra girlfriends’ chant to each other instead of goodbyes.
So, when I chanced on an opportunity to read Bell Hooks’ The will to change: Men, Masculinity, and Love, all I could think was – my we need this! What a timely and timeless read! But the fact remains many of us don’t like to read or simply lack the time and this is where I come in to convince everyone (feminists, misandrists, pick me’s, “Not all men” associates and men) to read this book.
Befittingly, the first chapter of this book is titled: “Wanted: Men who love”. Bell looks at the way the patriarchal system continues to stifle emotions:
“By supporting the patriarchal culture that socializes men to deny their feelings, we doom them to live in states of emotional numbness”
This reminds me of the now cliché “you can’t pour from an empty cup.” We can’t expect love to come from men who from a young age are taught not to be in touch with their feelings because it’s not the “right” way to be masculine. She also highlights something that I think we need to pay attention to, “the only emotion patriarchy values when expressed is anger,”… “and their madness no matter how violent or violating is deemed natural – a positive expression of patriarchal masculinity.” The light bulb moment in why men’s most universal reaction is anger because this idea re-enforces that rage would help one fix their problems and reassert their domination especially for children living in the typical patriarchal household. And yet love is a beautiful thing. Both men and women deserve love and as Bell Hooks puts it, “life has shown me that anytime a single male dares to transgress patriarchal boundaries to love, the lives of women, men, and children are fundamentally changed for the better.” Love is a beautiful thing. Love could easily be the thing that keeps the next woman alive.
2. We can’t fix what we don’t know is broken. It’s easy to assume that the only enforcers of patriarchal ways are men, but women also enforce these ideologies. A wise woman once said in the absence of men, heterosexual women are more likely to enforce patriarchy systems. The funny bit? Not many of us know what patriarchy is/means and so easily leave it to this term feminists use. At least that’s how it felt for me. Bell Hooks provides various definitions of patriarchy and the one I think gets the entire situation best is this:
“Patriarchy is a political-social system that insists that males are inherently dominating, superior to everything and everyone deemed weak especially females, and endowed with the right to dominate and rule over the weak and to maintain that dominance through various forms of psychological terrorism and violence.”
3. I picked up this book because I was distraught about the violence, frustrated with my need to relate with woke men but realizing that this was a shallow well while I was hoping for rivers. This, of course, built a feeling of anger at the realization that I was dealing more with men practicing misogyny in multiple ways. The rising female fury forces us to collectively feel that men are hopeless in light of changing or even acting on the situations that continue to stifle our existence. I came to this book because this is how I feel, but this feeling made me question how I can be and what I can do better. For example, just the thought that I can understand why someone would impact sexual and emotional violence forces me to confront that that person could be a son I have raised or a brother I have grown up with. Then it becomes possible that there is something I can do to prevent that from happening to someone else. That I am responsible. However, before that is a feeling of despair for women wrecking relationships especially with fathers at the bud.
“Women and children all over the world want men to die so that they can love. This is the most painful truth of male domination, that men wield patriarchal power in daily life in awesomely life-threatening ways, that women and children cower in fear and various states of powerlessness, believing that the only way out of their suffering, their only hope is for men to die, for the patriarchal father not to come back…as a young woman in my twenties who had not yet found her powers, I often wished the man in my life would die. My longing for my father’s death began in childhood,” Bell writes.
A lot of women wish for the oppressor in their lives to die. But these men also happen to be our brothers, fathers, uncles. How then can we wish safe spaces for women without facing and fixing the system that turns the ones we love into machines of violence?
4. The book doesn’t stop at calling out the system, it helps give one a wider picture of what’s happening. Social media is a great tool for communication and learning but it is rigged in the way that you see more of what you occasionally interact with. This, of course, can give you a rosy view of life or turn you into a cynic. My socials have a lot of feminists because that’s the content that I interact with (the internet is rigged) and so I’m more than familiar with the ways that the patriarchy system has hurt women. However, reading this book made me realize that men too are victims of patriarchy. Even as they benefit from the system, they are also dehumanized. More importantly, the book made it clear to me that men have the power to change the system and free themselves but choose not to because of the privileges that are accorded to them. Bell Hooks mentions the fact that everyone would be on board and make plans to end male violence against women until you told them they can only achieve this by ending male domination then most would hesitate and begin to pull out. I was disappointed but not surprised.
“Until we can create a popular culture that affirms and celebrates masculinity without upholding patriarchy, we will never see a change in the way that masses of males think about the nature of their identity,” Bell states.
I love to watch Korean series for this very reason. The jokes are light, the romance is always extreme but one thing I continue to adore about them is how in touch with their emotions the men in them are portrayed. The first time I watched one which had this man crying through a whole episode because he lost someone had me a little uncomfortable. Male tears were something I was unaccustomed to. There are a few male models, in life or mass media for grieving and men have close to no rituals for mourning. Men have been known to avoid acknowledging their suffering. As their pain intensifies, so does their need for violence. Women who are oppressed by this system, are offended by calls to bring men “on board” and to labour for them to learn and fight this system, predominantly occupied by the need to free themselves and other women, to teach women instead to continue to resist patriarchy from wherever they stand, rather than educate men.
“I believe that men themselves must make the effort to learn, and this book would be a good place to start while showing them how they can ally with feminists to uproot patriarchy.” Ophelia Kemigisha says on her take on this book.
I am learning and growing as a feminist. With my introduction to feminist theory was the feminist charter, a good place to start because the lines are so clearly drawn and explained. While I continue to hunt down books with femme protagonists, more theory and great authors, I have already noticed that there’s a gap in the literature about men. I was especially intrigued by “The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love,” because most of the information available speaks to how women interact with patriarchy. I was interested in this book because it explored a different dynamic: how men are conditioned into and benefit from patriarchy but are simultaneously held hostage by this oppressive system. Many of us are practicing feminists in the different spaces we occupy our homes, workplaces, in our friendships and intimate relationships. “It is also important that we read works like hooks’ because they help us to situate our struggle,” Ophelia adds. To put it as Professor Tamale did, theory helps us to diagnose the problem properly so that we can administer the right medicine. So, I encourage everybody to engage with the works of feminists, but also to write and think about the different ways patriarchy affects our lives and find solutions to free ourselves and create a more just society.
Great thank you to Ophelia Kemigisha, without whom I may have never resolved my writing, for inspiring some of the thoughts in here. Your conversation and willingness to always have time for feminists means a great deal.